Sunday, October 12, 2014
“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.”
Writing is my deliverance, my gift, and my responsibility. My dad in the later years of his life decided to set down his memoirs and to record some of the history of our family, as my grandfather, his father, did before him. It was a significant legacy, one that I don’t take for granted. We learn who we are from history, whether it be world history or our personal stories. I am compelled to continue to weave this thread of commonality of family and of life.
Too many times in daily life I struggle to maintain my center. The inner landscape is sometimes bumpy and I long for a smooth, even road, especially at this point in my life. The challenge is to become an authentic being, to draw boundaries and recognize my weaknesses and strengths. What I crave most is connection, with my inner self and with others.
It takes courage to tell the story. Writing is my lifeline and it is also my biggest challenge. The fear is that others will be offended or hurt if I am honest. I won’t get very far that way; certainly. I understand the reason for fiction and pen names, for a writer can cloak herself in a part; much like playing on stage.
I suppose that objectivity is key, all the while delving into the subconscious and peeling back the layers of defense. There have been times in the past couple of years or so that I’ve been feeling displaced and uncertain of my position, my purpose in life. Triggers from the past sent me spiraling downward into despair, frustration, anger and confusion. This being said I don’t blame others, or situations for my emotions. I have made choices and decisions in my life and I am reaping both the benefits and the consequences.
When I was a young mother I was battered by my then husband and separated from my two oldest children. This has haunted me for years. My self esteem was battered along with my body, not to mention the damage that was done to the children. This trauma has been my cross to bear, and also my salvation, because I was forced to become strong, to face the pain, to acknowledge my strength, to find the courage to heal myself for my own sake, and for others, because we are all connected.
Negativity is what it is, simply. The point is not to wallow in it, to allow pessimism and doubts dominate my thoughts. This is not to say to ignore a painful emotion; I feel what I feel at any given moment. I believe a person should acknowledge what is and not deny or judge a feeling. An emotion is what it is.
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